How to Set Boundaries: A Mini Guide

Boundaries are like umbrellas in the rain or sunscreen in the summer. If we do the preparatory work, we know that we need the protection. Yet if we don’t do the work and don’t have the protection, we face the consequences later.

That’s how I’ve felt lately, especially in the last couple of years. My boundaries were basically nonexistent. What’s sad is that I know how and why to build boundaries but enforcing them has always been a bit difficult for me. As selfish as this sounds, that’s why we’re talking about boundaries this month…to keep me accountable and to create space for us to talk about boundaries. We started this series by talking about why boundaries are important. If you haven’t checked out this first post in this series, now is a great time to do so. Stop reading and check out this first post here!)

Now, let’s talk about the mechanics: here’s a mini-guide on how to set boundaries.

How to Set Boundaries: A Mini Guide

Before we begin, let’s frame our conversation! This blog post is meant to be an interactive mini guide, so now is a great time to grab that notebook that’s collecting dust amongst all the other notebooks you have because you love stationery just like me (trust me I’ve been there). Take your time as you go through the steps below and don’t be afraid to revisit the steps multiple times if you need to!

Reflection, of course

Before we dive into boundary-setting techniques, take a moment to reflect on your core needs and values. What truly matters to you? What are some of your core values? Is it freedom over your time? Family? Money/savings? Vacations? Peace of mind? Sleep? Identify at least 3-5 core values that you have. This step is crucial because writing down and identifying your boundaries will help remind you of what’s truly important in your life. The way social media is set up these days, we are exposed to so many different lifestyles. We see other people’s lives and can start to want what we see. Reminding ourselves of what’s truly important will help us build better boundaries for ourselves.

Identification

Now for the fun part!

Pinpoint the areas of your life that could benefit from clearer boundaries. Are you overwhelmed by excessive work demands or feeling emotionally drained by certain relationships? Recognizing these situations will help you focus your efforts on setting boundaries where they're needed most.

A good framework here could be using the eight types of self-care as a guidepost. For example, one area I am focusing on is professional and emotional boundaries. As I write this blog post, I was asked to preside over elections for an organization that I am a member of in the city I currently live in. I have a desire to be helpful and useful (this is something I am working on because again, why do I want to be perceived as helpful and useful?) but deep down, I really don’t want to do it. My gut is telling me not to do it for whatever reason. Part of my boundary work this month is listening to my gut and not stretching myself thin. So as I type this sentence, I just declined the offer. A win is a win!

(If you don’t know or forgot the eight types of self-care, grab this freebie for the list).

Review, Discuss, Adjust

Regularly review your boundaries and assess if they align with your evolving needs and values. Be open to adjusting boundaries as your circumstances change and as you grow. There are so many ways you can review your boundaries, including journaling (whether art, talking, or writing), therapy, even a self-care audit. If I had to guess, I think the key here is reflecting and revising in a way that allows you to be honest about how you’re feeling. Personally, part of my issue is that I am so focused on the day-to-day tasks that I forget to check-in until it’s too late and I’m in a deeply sad/stressed mood.

Come up with a schedule (monthly or bimonthly, for example) that allows you to sit with yourself and check-in on how you’re doing with your boundaries.

Common Misconceptions

Do you think of something negative when you hear the word boundary? Are boundaries a negative thing to you? Did you grow up thinking that boundaries are unnecessary or even rude when enforced against certain people? I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t have the best view of boundaries early in my self-care journey but that was based in a desire to always be useful and available to others (see the pattern here). There are so many misconceptions out there that could deter us from setting boundaries and sticking to them.

Let’s dismantle the common misconceptions.

Boundaries are rude/harsh

Laughable, right?

Boundaries themselves are often not rude or harsh.

Communication is key. Effective boundary-setting hinges on clear and assertive communication.

When communicating your boundaries, be empathetic yet firm and consistent with your boundaries. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming or accusing others. Of course, you may get some pushback from the family and loved ones or even coworkers when setting boundaries. (Or if you’re like me, you just might be afraid of the potential pushback.) Here’s what I’m working on and I invite you to do the same: be firm and consistent. I think that being firm and consistent (both are needed) will reinforce the importance of our boundaries and sends a message that we value our well-being.

Here’s the unfortunate part: sometimes we’ll need consequences. Establishing consequences for boundary violations is crucial because they help reinforce the significance of your boundaries and encourage others to respect them. Be prepared to enforce these consequences if necessary.

Finally, don’t forget that boundaries can change! They are not meant to be rigid rules that apply for the rest of our lives. This is why we should regularly check-in and review our boundaries. Our needs change and so should our boundaries.

Boundaries are overwhelming

My old therapist used to say that proper boundary-setting improves with practice. I promise it’ll feel weird at first (sending that email I mentioned earlier definitely felt uncomfortable and different for me) but it should get better (fingers crossed)! Setting boundaries may evoke feelings of guilt or discomfort, especially if you're not used to prioritizing yourself. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that it's okay to care for your needs.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to your community for support. Share your boundary-setting journey with supportive friends, family, or a therapist.

We got this.

I often say this but just know I mean it: we’re on this journey together. I’m turning 30 years old later this year and honestly, I’m sick of feeling burnt out or saying yes when I know deep down I should be saying no. It’s time to take control.

As you cultivate this skill, remember that it's okay to take small steps and be patient with yourself. Yes, I’m talking to myself here too! Each boundary you set is a victory, bringing you closer to a life of balance and fulfillment.

In the meantime, what’s one boundary you’ll set and enforce this week? Add it to the comments below!